Relationship Probation

Can you think of the WORST thing your partner, significant other, cherub, can say to you during an argument when they are mad for reasons unknown to you?

OK, lets back up, cause I am SURE a bunch of real KEEN wordage just came to your mind!

I’m not talking about name calling.

We are all familiar with the typical:
Ahole !
Coont!(you KNOW the word I mean and preserve it ONLY for worse circumstances imaginable
Lazy A$$!
Bit&#!
Sl@(!
Li&^!
Shit bag!(I couldn’t find the right “character” keys for that one)

Feel free to add “Effen” in front of ANY of the above.

If you have NEVER called your beloved cherub ANY of those words then stop reading as this. This not a Christian based blog and if you were offended, need to read the self help book called “Let Off Some Steam Pansy” and THEN back to this.

We are all familiar with those nanner nanner nanner playground fighting words.

Following is the worst of the worst - stick with me now well I bring it on!

So we are in the infancy of a relationship and feeling all the day to day pressure of , I live here you live there. A crazy work schedule, kids, sports, pets, Mother’s, more sports, work and Mother again. So you TRY as you may to live carpe diem, but the days become a struggle of exhaustion just trying to keep up and keep things moving relationshiply forward. This particular fella has some serious POST met Barbie trust issues that quickly turned into “blame Barbie for all the things that ever previously pissed me off“ issues.

While taking on the daunting task of working on those issues I did manage to become inspired. I am creating a clothing line called “LadyArmor”. BUY IT! Comes with a complimentary shit shovel that seconds as a handy burying tool.

Not preferring confrontation myself, I standardly retort to the “I understand” and “Is there something I can say or do to make you feel better” jargon. Which he would generally follow with, “You don’t understand” and “I don’t need anyone to make me feel better”. ALRIGHTY, no ground gained and BACK to square MINUS one!

So we are “talk fighting“, he is pissed about an unknown element to me and here is how the conversation goes:

(this is him, if your too dumb to figure it out)
“So I just got back from the woods and did some thinking.”

(and me-now pay attention I’m not doing the HIM and ME crap for the rest of this dialogue)
“Really honey, glad you made it back safe! I am glad you got some think time. I can’t wait to hear about it!”

“I don’t like the lifestyle you’re choosing.” (hear an album screeching?)

“What? What do you mean?” I ask.

“You know what I mean, I don’t have to spell it out.”

“Seriously, what do you mean? I haven’t changed anything. Do you want me to change something? Does this have to do with you sitting in the woods? Did something happen?”

“You’ll live. You’ll be fine and so will I.” he says oh so calmly.

“What are you talking about? I don’t get it. I was just gonna talk to you about shopping weekend plans. How did my lifestyle change?”

“I’ll be ok. I already talked to my family about it.”

Completely confused as to how and where this short conversation turned I revert BACK to an earlier conversation in the day:
“But this morning when I talked to you, you were all excited about the new pair of shoes I got and couldn’t wait to see me! What happened from then to NOW except that you went and sat in the woods to hunt? What happened? Are you mad at me for something? Is that why you wouldn’t send me a text message back?”(he is of the nontexter tribe)

I go on to say, “You told your family WHAT?”(I am clearly getting no sex tonight AND becomming irritated with his game)

“I am fine and you will be too.”

Now I am a little pissy and feeling guilty for something I don’t even know I did or did not do. I am recounting the last several days in my head trying to search for something I may have said, did, changed….nothing comes to mind.

I finally screech after he repeats I will be fine, “I KNOW I will be fine, no one died! What is going on!?!? WHAT is the problem. If you don‘t tell me the problem I can‘t help with a solution or resolution!”

AND HERE IS THE KICKER MY FRIENDS:
"You can figure it out." Let me repeat that, “You can figure it out.” with the added enhancer…”You’re smart enough”

THERE you have it, the worst thing to get thrown at you in a fight!

YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT! ! ! !

“Figure out what? What are you talking about? What did I do? Say?”

“You’re smart enough. I’ll be fine.”

So there it is. I am left in a bewildered pile, scratching my head, reaching for the wine decorker!What did he mean by that? I was really excited to talk to him. Hmmmm I know I splurged on shoes, but THAT wouldn’t put anyone over the edge. I ask the inevitable, “Are you breaking up with me?” In a nut shell he tells me he SORT of is, but isn’t ready to throw in the towel yet. So we are broken up? And guess what the response was?

“YOU FIGURE IT OUT!”

Now if there are ANY men reading this PLEASE tell us the secret of the woods. When you guys hunt and sit in the woods do fairies come sprinkle you with fairy dust that puts shit in your heads? Is it the rotting leaves mold spores that do mental stuff to your brain like a lead paint eating child? Are you eating these rotting moldy leaves possibly creating an allergic reaction? What? I must know.

So you're wondering where this festive night left me. Well, a glass of wine (more like the bottle - after all ,the bottle is a glass in sorts) later and a phone call back to him, I asked him if he was serious he was breaking up with me. And he told me “time would tell“. I ask him if somehow I ended up on PROBATION in this relationship and he readily agreed that I was in fact WAS on probation. AND would certainly let me know when I was worthy enough to proceed. (nut job)

Relationship Probation? What the hell is THAT? I have never heard of that. Is there such a thing? There MUST be cause I am officially a member, victim, client.

Can’t we just go with the demerit system and be done with it?

Help me out here! All my life I have NEVER been put on relationship probation. But here I am. A living testament. I didn’t know how long I will be on “the list” but hope I am not a lifer. They aren’t telling much here, it’s dark and there is no sex. If there are ANY others on Relationship Probation, please contact my office as soon as possible. Are we just here long enough until we “figure it out”? I must know these answers and will pay a reward for ANY information leading to my release.(barter preferred)

Let this be your only warning ladies. Hunting season FAST approaches and your hubby, significant other, cherub, could get sprinkled with fairy dust and/or eat the mold spores from the fallen foliage! BE WARNED!

Figure it out now! You are smart enough! Or you TOO could end up on Relationship Probation!

(note: I have since kicked this “blame Barbie for everything” guy to the curb! Guess I figured it out)